Changing

16 March 2017



// D I S C L A I M E R //
This post kind of goes all over the place and gets into some deep stuff (and my grammar probably isn't very good either)... so I apologize in advance.

"CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, GROWTH IS OPTIONAL"
- John Maxwell 


Hey friends.
It's been a while since I've posted anything. I apologize. The past few months have been... well, let's just say they've been quite hectic for me. School, work, life - it all seemed to blow up in my face all at once - which has left me in a very stressed out and completely exhausted state. Basically the past two months have been full of change. While many would argue that change is a good thing, I tend to not see it that way. In fact, I see it the exact opposite way: I hate change. HATE. With every fibre of my utmost being. And, yes. I understand that that is not a good, nor healthy outlook to have (trust me, I know) but it's something that I've always struggled with. If you know me personally, you know that I'm a fairly cautious person. I don't like to be left in the dark or put into situations where I feel uncomfortable. I like to know exactly what's going on and what to expect so that I can be prepared; so that I can be successful; so that I can be in control. I like to be in control. I mean most people do, right? Control means power. And for some reason, we as humans crave power (which I'm sure I could go into a very deep and long conversation which many people have probably written entire books about, but I'm not going to get into that today).

Anywho, anywho... I think the main reason that I hate change is because it always catches me off guard, the moments where I least expect it. It takes away my sense of security and replaces it with uncertainty; it leaves me unprepared, unconfident, and unsure. Basically what I'm saying is: change takes away my control. And that's something that I'm really not okay with. Like at all. Also, I think that another reason I hate change is because, in my mind, change leads to failure. Now you probably think I'm crazy and what I just said makes absolutely no sense at all, but bear with me for a moment. The way I see it, change almost always requires you to make alterations in your life. It forces you to let go of certain things; to move on. And to me moving on has always meant giving up, and giving up means that I've failed. I'm an extremely dedicated and loyal person, and when I commit to something I don't do it half heartedly. I'm all in, and I don't quit. Ever. So really, giving up just isn't an option. In fact, it's something that I can't even comprehend. I don't understand how people just lose motivation and say "that's it, I'm done" (Side Note: I blame society mostly for this "quitter" attitude. There's no motivation to fix anything anymore. When something is broken, people just replace it because it's easier that way; it requires less work.... but that's all I'll say about that for now). So when change forces me to move on, to give up on something.... I can't help but feel like I've failed. Now of course this is not the case for all situations - not even for most situations. And a lot of what I just said is irrational, emotional thinking. I know. Trust me, I know. Others tell me, I tell myself - I know it in my mind. But knowing something unfortunately doesn't always make you feel the way you'd like it too....

 Anyway, regardless of the fact that I absolutely hate it and am in no way, shape, or form okay with it, change always comes around. There seems to be no way of stopping it; change is inevitable. And this is something I've been struggling with a lot. Like a lot, a lot. Like to the point where I have driven myself to being physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually drained trying to fight it. Exhausting myself, trying to grasp any sense of control I can find, and being left angry and frustrated when there's nothing that I can do to resist it... (but I won't bore you with the details) Let's just put it this way: through the course of some life-altering events (which took place these past few months), I can't help but feel that God has been desperately trying to teach me a very valuable lesson:
I am not in control. 
I am not in control, nor will I ever be in control. I cannot control what other people say, or think, or feel, or do, or what they like or dislike, or the way they act, or the situations they put me in, and so on and so forth.... I cannot attempt to control things that are simply out of my authority. I need to give up my need for control, because honestly? It's exhausting trying so desperately to take charge of something so completely out of your reach. (And don't take this the wrong way. I'm not trying to say I should give up on life because I am merely a victim of existence and there's no point in trying anything at all because we ultimately don't control anything so 'what's the point?'. No. That's an extremely depressing thought and not what I am trying to say at all. There are some things that are in our control. For instance, I can control the way I react to a certain situation. I can control my attitude under certain circumstances. I can control the way I act, and think, and feel, and say, and do. I can control me, but I cannot control anyone else - and that's a difficult think to recognize). Any who, any who I got off track.... back to what I was saying:
I am not in control; but rather, God is in control. 
He, and only He, can take control of my life. Period. No ifs, ands, or buts. And being the "worry-wart-control-freak-who-absolutely-hates-change-with-everything-in-her-being" type of person that I am .... let's just say that this hasn't exactly been the easiest for me to grasp. You see, I had a plan. I had my life mapped out. Of course I didn't know every detail, because no one ever does, but I had a pretty clear understanding of what I thought I could expect in the next 5-10 years at least... it turns out that's not the case. His plans seem to be a little bit different than mine. Which is hard for me to comprehend, because my plans weren't bad plans. In fact, I would even argue that they were pretty good. But that doesn't matter... because they weren't - aren't - what He has planned for me. And it's hard for me to see and understand it, but I'm at a place now where I can at least say that I'm really trying to see it; I'm trying to grow through it - which wasn't exactly the case a few weeks ago. I've come a long way in a short amount of time.
***
Moving on...
A few weeks ago (in the midst of my "season of change" we'll call it) I went to McNally Robinson to waste some time before I went to work. As I aimlessly walked up and down the aisles of bookshelves, there was a book that caught my eye. It was called How's Your Soul by Judah Smith (it's the book in the picture above as you probably guessed). I don't know why it caught my attention, there wasn't anything that necessarily stood out to me about it. But nevertheless, I picked it up, found the nearest chair and started to read the first chapter of it. This in and of itself was kind of a big deal for me because, here's another fun fact about Aislynn: I rarely ever read. I'm the type of person that, if given the choice, would much rather see the movie version of it, knowing full well that it probably won't be as good as the book - I'm just way too lazy to read through all those pages. But for some reason, this book intrigued me. As time passed and I read through more and more pages, something hit me. I felt as if this book was specifically written for me and everything that I was dealing with. It was like God was sending me a wake up call; a reality check for me to stop digging myself further and further into a pit, and see things for what they really are: God has something better in store. I don't see or understand it now, but that doesn't mean that it's not happening. God is at work, and he has a bigger and better plan. He is the author and finisher of our faith. And yes, it's hard. Change is hard, painful even. It doesn't always make sense, and it isn't always fair. But it always happens for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. And it's needed. Because nothing changes when nothing changes.
***
I know that I've kind of gone all over the place in this post in a very vague way, and a lot of what I've said sounds totally cliche and overly dramatic...  I apologize. I hope you don't think that I'm just some crazy chick that vents her feelings on the Interwebs. That's not my intent. I don't want to be "that person"(we all have those friends on Facebook and I know they are the worst). I'm not seeking attention,  or pity, or trying to put anyone down, or anything of that sort. I'm just me, being me, dealing with my life and trying to find some sense of peace in this world full of chaos - which this book has helped me a ton so I wanted to share it with you guys :) And if any of you out there are dealing with something similar, going through a seasons of change, just know that you aren't alone. There are so many people going through the same, or similar situations as you are. Plus there's me. I'm here, I care, and I'm praying for you. I truly am. Also, I highly recommend you check out this book. It's seriously amazing - and this is coming from someone who really doest like like to read all that much. It's relatable, funny, encouraging, and just straight up good for the soul; 10/10; so check it out. All of you. Even if you aren't going through something traumatic or stressful. It's just amazing. Okay, I'll stop raving now. That's all I have to say for you today. Props to you if you actually read through all of this. I hope you have a wonderful rest of your week friends. Ta ta for now!
Xoxo
- A


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